According to statistics, over 13,500 Iraqis suffer from spontaneous decapitation each year. Iraqi scientists suspect that the phenomenon may a result of stress from the U.S imposed sanctions, but they aren't certain.
Just heard that Saddam Hussein, a man of peace and reason, has officially banned weapons of mass destruction throughout all Iraq. Well, that's the end of that story. I guess Bush will cease his warmongering now and go back to ruining the economy with his tax cuts for the rich.
All this human shield business is wearing me out. I tried to take a little catnap this afternoon, but was awakened by a group of Iraqis wheeling some metal cannisters into my hotel room.
"Don't mind us," said one of the men. "We just need to put these helium tanks in your closet for a bit."
"Helium?" I asked, confused. "Why is 'anthrax' written on them?"
"Um...haven't you ever heard of the American rock and roll band, 'Anthrax'?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well, this is their helium."
"Ohhhhh," I sighed, relieved. "Well in that case, rock on, dudes!"
Today Al-Shariq took myself and a few others from the group on a tour of the Saddam Hussein Shopping Mall and Miniature Golf Course. I was impressed by the plethora of different shops, from meat markets to souvenir stands selling all kinds of wares, from fried goat's testicles to "Don't Blame Me, I voted for Saddam!" bumper stickers.
The most exciting part of the tour was when we came to the main market plaza just in time to see some mustachioed Iraqi policemen dragging off a headless female corpse. Curious, we asked our guide to explain.
"Her head fell off," he told us.
"Just like that?" I asked. "Her head just fell off?"
"Yes," he replied, "It happens whenever someone speaks unfavorably of Saddam. One minute they are making a small joke about his mustache, the next minute their heads just pop right off their shoulders! Very mysterious. Even Iraq's best scientists can't explain it."
Ah, another unsolved mystery of the universe.
I have been reading some of my hate mail. Those of you comedians who refer to us a "Panty Shields" are not funny at all.
Long day yesterday. Spent most of it at the Mother of All Battles Memorial Park, which honors the 17 Iraqi soldiers who died protecting Bagdhad from 125 million American invaders in 1990. A large, concrete slab with each name of the 17 heroes chiseled on its surface, serves as a platform for a 50' tall statue of Saddam himself, who singlehandely fought off the western hordes using only a pocket knife and a broken ashtray from the Four Queens Casino. The Statue itself is a marvel of modern engineering, Saddam's long, outstretched Right Arm of Justice motorized to give a "thumbs up" every hour on the hour, along with a loud, pre-recorded "HOWWWWWDY PARDNER!" blaring from a loudspeaker set in the Imperious Leader's mouth. Twice each day, throngs of Bagdhad citizens gather around the statue to pay their respects, planting their faces to the concrete and chanting "Lord Saddam guide us, Lord Saddam protect us...yadda yadda yadda" for three straight hours. It was another touching display of the love the Iraqi people have for their "Great Father", Saddam. Yesterday's service, however, was rudely interrupted by what appeared to be a large remote control airplane, which swooped over the park and dropped thousands of propaganda leaflets on the frightened crowd. "People of Iraq!" they read in both Arabic and English. "Our fight is not with you! Help us liberate you from the evil dictator Saddam who murders your children and opresses your brothers!" Needless to say, the people of Bagdhad won't be short on toilet paper for a while.