SOCIALISM IS YOUR FRIEND
Look at it this way:
You go to the pie shop and realize that you only have enough money for one slice of pie. Then in walks Bill Gates who proceeds to buy all the pies and leaves you standing there completely pieless. Is that fair? Why does he get all the pies? Shouldn't he be made to share some of his pies instead of hording them all? Socialism says "YES, everyone is entitled to a piece of the pie! For now on, all pie shops will be under the control of The People, and The People will decide how to distribute the pies fairly and equitably."
Imagine a world where, instead of walking into a pie shop and hoping, PRAYING you have enough money for one itty bitty little piece of pie, you simply put your name on a waiting list for the priviledge to go before a special commitee, who will carefully determine how deserving you are of pie, and will then give you a slice of pie FOR FREE!!!!! Never again will anyone have to pay for pie, and never again will one man be able to horde ALL the pie. No more will people compete to get more pie than their neighbor. Everyone will be entitled to exactly the same amount of pie, with the exception of the People on the Pie Committee, who will get extra pie because they wear party pins.
How do you get a party pin? Well, you have to join the Party, and that will cost you a fee of 100 pies. Then you have to be approved by the party leader, MOI, and I don't like the shape of your nose. In fact, I think you're being greedy by coming around and asking for pie all the time when the People are starving in the streets. "I want pie! I want pie! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!" You are putting your needs above the needs of The People, and that just won't do. Your selfish attitude is harmful to The People, and you're the reason everyone is starving. It's because of YOU that there aren't enough pies to go around. The only way we're going to make this a perfect Socialist Utopia is if we put a stop to big-nosed, pie-stealing scum like you sabotaging the system! THE PEOPLE MUST BE CLEANSED OF YOUR DISEASE!!!! GET ON THE BOXCAR!!!! NOW!!!!
So the next time some right-wing extemist asks if you're a socialist, just smile and say, "I like pie".
WHY IS THE POST OFFICE CLOSED?
Looks like Bushie has done it again. It appears that all the banks and government offices are closed today. I can't even get to the post office to pick up the complete Saved by the Bell boxed set that I won on eBay. I stood out there for 20 minutes, banging on the front door while right-wing extremist postal workers hid in the darkened interior, snickering at me. Is this Dumbya's idea of revenge for getting bitch slapped by the WTO?
SEAN HANNITY: DRAFT DODGING CHICKENHAWK
Just weeks after the truth came out about big fat idiot Rush Limbaugh being a crack-addicted heroin freak, we're treated to another revelation about a right-wing hypocrite. Sean Hannity, hate-radio icon and avid proponent of the quagmire in Iraq, is a draft-dodging chickenhawk. Information I have uncovered reveals that while American heros like John Kerry, Al Gore, and Howard Dean were risking life and limb fighting for their country, Sean Hannity was lurking around playgrounds and elementary schools for god-knows-what perverted reasons. I guess it makes sense - No republican president since Eisenhower served a day in the military. Right-wingers like to pound the war drums, but where are they when the metal hits the meat? Sitting at home, watching the whole thing on CNN.
Compounding Hannity's treachery is the fact that many of his fellow Irish immigrants were handed rifles and drafted into the Vietnam war as soon as they stepped off the boat, as portrayed in the recent Martin Scorcese film, Escape from New York. They didn't have the choice to stay home and spew hate-speech across the public airwaves like chickenhawk Hannity.
But let not your heart be troubled - Hannity's fate grows nigh. Brave Americans like Edward Asner, who stormed the beaches of Normandy and killed 120 Japanese with his bare hands, are working to get the word out of Hannity's cowardice. It's only a matter of time before another right-wing hypocrite has a date with karma.
A LIVING, BREATHING CONSTITUTION
A few visitors to this blog seem to think that they know all there is to know about the United States Constitution. Just let me start by reminding you right-wing dittoheads that I, like most enlightened, progressive-minded people, actually went to a university and got an education. While you were trying desperately to memorize the line: "Would you like fries with that?", I was majoring in Constitutional Law, Gender Studies, and Interpretive Dance at UC Berkeley. So excuse me if I don't fall all over myself in total awe of your snotty little pearls of wisdom.
The fact is, even the most brilliant minds in the nation don't know what the Constitution really means. It's all metaphorical, like the Bible. That's why Al Gore, in his infinite wisdom, referred to it as a "living, breathing document", written by a bunch of white slaveowners in powdered wigs that had no idea of what life would be like in 2003. Thankfully, we have liberal justices to decipher and translate the document's true meaning according to the times we live in. If strict-constructionists had their way, blacks would still be slaves, women would have no say in government, and poor holocaust survivors would be denied their right to vote in Florida.
Oh wait - it's already that way. Thanks Dubya!