Those Sexually Frustrated Conservatives
With the uproar over the legalization of gay marriage in Massachussetts last week, plus the hysterical right-wing crucifixion of President Bill Clinton for getting a little action, I have come to the conclusion that conservatives just need to get laid. They're like a bunch of repressed puritan amish folk, acting as if it's the end of the world because they caught Zebediah fucking chickens in the barn. Leave ol' Zeb alone, you sexually frustrated cons! Just because you can't get any chicken noogie, it doesn't mean you have to ruin HIS fun. Besides, who are YOU to impose YOUR morals on the rest of society? Who are YOU to decide what the defintion of love or marriage is?
I know, I know - "Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman, blah blah blah". Yeah, whatever you say, Reverend Swaggart. Man, woman, chicken, what's the difference? You're thinking in black & white - there are gray areas, you know. Graaaaaaaay areas. Herman Goerring said that the first step towards Fascism is gender absolutism, and here you cons go, goosestepping right back to the Third Reich. Today, you're whining about high school health teachers giving dildo demonstrations to your kids, tomorrow you're slapping pink triangles on homosexuals and loading them onto box cars.
Massachussetts Leads the Nation!
Massachussetts once again stepped forward to lead America out of the Stone Ages, as the state supreme court lifted a ban on same-sex couples today
I'm not gay, but I think the Massachussetts ruling is exciting news. I've been having a relationship with an old copy of the Sears catalog for about 30 years now. We're very much in love, and completely devoted to one another. Yet if I were in the hospital, my beloved Sears catalog would have no legal right to visit me, nor would it be entitled to a share of my estate should I expire. Perhaps with this wonderful, enlightened decision in Massachussets, the time will soon come when a consenting adult and his Sears catalog can walk down aisle, hand in hand, without being judged or condemned for the crime of loving one another.
MICHAEL MOORE, MAN OF THE PEOPLE
I was awakened to a pleasant surprise on my radio alarm this morning - the soothing, dulcinous voice of Michael Moore. It's always great listening to Mike, because he's a true Man of the People, a blue-collar hero for blue-collar America. Sure, he hasn't worked a day's worth of hard labor in his life, but that only adds to his working-class charm.
Anyhoo - After a searing diatribe against Rush Limbaugh's pill-hopping hypocrisy, in which he demanded that be tossed into a deep dark hole to rot and die, Mike attacked the evils of our capitalist system and how it exploits the working class.
I found this enlightening because unlike Rush Limbaugh - Mike is no hypocrite. He doesn't profit from the blood, sweat, and tears of the working man. On the contrary - Mike divides all the profits from his books and movies equally amongst the people who produce them. Everyone from the folks who work the presses that print his wonderful books, right down to the gal who brings him his gallon of raw cookie dough every six minutes - they all get a big fat check from Mike. The only profit Mike takes from his work is the satisfaction that some poor working slob, who deserves the money far more than he, won't be living in abject squalor because a rich corporate fat cat took all the loot for himself. Even more astonishing is that Mike relinquishes all creative control over his books and films to the people who actually do the labor. The famous rabbit scene in Roger & Me? That was the brainchild of Todd, the college intern who follows Mike around and picks up his empty beer cans and twinkie wrappers. The part in Bowling for Columbine where Mike gets a free gun at the bank? That idea was actually suggested by Rico, the undocumented worker who details Mike's Lexus every Tuesday, then voted on by committee, and finally submitted to Mike for compulsory inclusion in the film. You see, Michael doesn't only PREACH the doctrine of socialism, he also LIVES it. Of course, there aren't the usual 10 million dead peasants that usually precede socialist utopias, but have patience...Rage Against the Machine has already agreed to headline at Mike's Great American Purge Tour.
BUSH BOOED BY BRITS
Bush's first trip to Europe in his entire life isn't going so well. I haven't seen the Brits this angry since Churchill dragged them kicking and screaming into WW2.
"The Nazis are evil doers!" Churchill said. "They won't stop until all of Europe is under their boot." Woooooo scary. Here comes the Nazi boogeyman! Everybody stop having anal sex and do what ol' Willie the Warmonger says!
Now it's 78 years later, and to quote Fozzie Bear: "it's deja vu all over again." This time, GeeDubya is itching to start DubyaDubya Three over terrorist boogeymen, and his lapdog Tony Blair is falling for it just as FDR did in '42. And let's not forget how the Gipper brainwashed Mags Thatcher into helping him invent commie boogeymen in the 80's.
It seems like history does repeat itself. Every few generations, some crazy American cowboy brainwashes Europeans about some great new evil and then proceeds to bomb the crap out of innocent civilians. When are we going to learn, as the French have, that the best way to deal with tyrants to offer them a hand in trust and friendship?
Never, if the right-wingers have their way.