BlameBush
12/19/2003
 
Libya Gives Up WMD
Libyan leader Moammar Khaddafi, a man of peace and vision, has suddenly decided to give up his Weapons of Mass Destruction. His decision was made of his own free will, and without any threats or provocation from the west. Rather, it was a desire to be part of the "International Community" of France and Germany that persuaded him.

So I guess France was right! If you simply be nice to dictators, they'll be more than happy to be your friend.

12/17/2003
 
The Chickenhawk at Kitty Hawk
The ceremony to celebrate the anniversary of the Wright brother's first flight was marked by the conspicuous absence of the Wright brothers themselves. You'd think the guests of honor would show up at their own party, but they undoubtedly skipped it in protest of Bush's illegal war. Not to be denied his divine right to hog all the glory, Bush gave his speech anyway. He called "John Travolta" a "Moonbat", referred to jet pilot Chuck Yeager as "The Yaegermeister", and generally insulted everyone within earshot.

The highlight of the event was when Bush attempted to fly a replica of the Wright Brothers' famous plane, the Enola Goose, and managed to crash it into a box of puppies, killing 7 and wounding 3, before he hopped into a presidential limo and fled the scene.

It's a good thing the Wrights were a no show - they were spared the shame and humilation of seeing their invention ruined by a stuttering shrub.

UPDATE
My girlfriend just told me that the Wright Brothers didn't show up because they are DEAD. Funny how people who interfere with Bush's plans tend to assume room temperature. Add two more names to Dubya's list of victims.

 
Banned in the USA
It seems that right-wing blogger and Peter Cetera lookalike, "Don", has banned me from his site for posting a less than inflammatory comment about Rep. Jim McDermott.

"He's full of shit and so are you. Dumbass. BTW, I banned your stupid ass from my site. Don't come back you piece of shit."

Yet another fascist doing his best to squash patriotic dissent and infringe upon the first amendment rights of all he disagrees with.

Not one to be easily opressed, I went back to his blog to see if I could perhaps beg him to please let me post again before I have to pose naked on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. But after reading his blogs about how fun it is to be rude and insulting to poor, underpaid Burger King employees, I came to the realization that it's some sort of parody site. This "Don" guy is way too over-the-top to be a conservative - he's probably some liberal pretending to be a right-winger, just to make them look dumb.

Ha ha...I get it, Don. Go get 'em!

12/16/2003
 
Rep. Jim McDermott, Man of the People
The two greatest things about living in the Pacific Northwest are:

1) The abundance of urine-filled plastic jugs lining the highways, and

2) Congressman Jim McDermott.

Jim has never been afraid to tell it like it is, and his recent revelations concerning the arrest of "Saddam Hussein" are no exception.

Smelling a lie like a fart in a car, Jim has called Bush on the timing of this whole staged Saddam capture.

"There's too much by happenstance for it to be just a coincidental thing." McDermott said. "It's funny, when they're having all this trouble, suddenly they have to roll out something."

Now, simplistic people without the cognitive skills of a liberal would expect that if Bush were to stage a Saddam capture for political juice, he'd do it closer to the November 2004. But McDermott, a doctor of psychiatry, knows that Bush knows that the American people are increasingly cynical about October Surprises, and would question the authenticity of a Saddam capture if it came on the eve of the elections. It would be way too obvious if they pulled "Saddam" out of that spider hole next October, and it might even work against Bush. So Dubya orders the phony production to take place in December of 2003 when the Secretary of State is conveniently out of the loop, and long enough before the election to quell any suspicions concerning its authenticity.

Luckily, America has a man in Congress who can see through such evil schemes. Rep. Jim McDermott, a man who bravely travelled to Iraq to negotiate a surrender to Saddam and prevent a long, bloody, quagmire of a war. A man who, despite having never served in Vietnam, is still PROUD to call himself a "Vietnam Veteran". And most importantly, Jim McDermott is a man ready, willing, and able to serve as Howard Dean's vice presidential running mate in 2004.

12/15/2003
 
SADDAM: MAN OR MUPPET?
I've been floating a theory around the chat boards and I think I might be onto something. As I stated in a previous blog, the person captured by U.S. troops yesterday was obviously not Saddam Hussein. I've been to Iraq, and I've seen all the wonderful paintings, statues, and murals of the Imperious Leader, and the individual they dragged out of the hole does not resemble him in any way. Saddam was always impreccably dressed and groomed - this person looks like the homeless person who pees in the alley behind my condo.

So if he's not Saddam, then who is he? Yesterday, I half-jokingly suggested that he might be grizzled character actor, Jack Elam. However, I was surprised to learn that Elam passed away last October - just a week after Rush Limbaugh admitted to an addiction to painkillers and went into rehab, and six months to day after Bush declared an end to combat operations in Iraq while standing in front of a big "Mission Accomplished" Banner.

This posed a dilemma: If Elam died in October, then how in heaven did he show up alive in Iraq?

At first, I suspected that Jim Henson, in concert with Disney, created a sort of animatronic muppet that looked like Jack Elam disguised as Saddam. I was puzzled to learn that Henson had died several years ago, and was unavailable to work on any new projects. At last, I had reached a dead end in my pursuit of the truth.

Then this news hit the papers: New Jersey to Permit Human Cloning That's right, NEW JERSEY, right across the river from New York, home of Sesame Street, and where Henson died from a mysterious bacterial infection. New York is also where John Lennon was shot in 1980.

Do you see where I'm heading? If you're a conservative, I doubt you do. This sort of theory takes a college education to understand.

I'll spell it out for you: George Bush had Jim Henson cloned, so he could create an electronic muppet out of Jack Elam's corpse and pass it off as Saddam Hussein.

Occam's Razor, folks. It's the simplest explanation that's usually the correct one.

12/14/2003
 
U.S. FORCES CAPTURE JACK ELAM
The Bush administration is already hard at work spinning this as a military "victory", but as events unfold after supposed Bush "victories" we typically learn the real truth. For instance, the Thanksgiving "turkey" Bush served to troops in Iraq later turned out to not be a turkey at all, but rather a papier-mache fascimile of a large chicken. We also discovered that the "troops" at the "dinner" were not actually troops, but extra from the Broadway production of Cats . Now there's some talk that Bush may not have been in Iraq at all, and that the whole thing was filmed on a phony movie set in Hollywood, California.

So what we will learn in the next few weeks concerning this so-called capture of "Saddam"? Personally, I don't think this person they caught looks anything like the Iraqi leader. Saddam didn't have a beard, for instance, and his hair was always impeccably trimmed and combed. Whoever this guy is, he looks more like character actor Jack Elam than Saddam Hussein.

I'm also suspicious about the timing of this whole thing. Is it any coincidence that Saddam surfaces now, when all the democrat presidential candidates are campaigning on what a failure the Iraq war is? This sort of takes the wind out of Dennis Kucinich's sails, doesn't it? How are democrat leaders going to enlighten Americans about how evil Bush is when Saddam's "crimes" are being aired on TV every night?

Another thing that raises my antenna is how this "Saddam" was captured alive. All the experts said he would never be taken alive - that he would fight to the death. Yet they pulled him out of his hole like a frightened squirrel, almost if it had been scripted that way.

This is all too politically beneficial for Bush, so I therefore refuse to believe it.


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