Winter Party CANCELLED!
Fantastic company has just cancelled its annual Winter Party, due to protests from concerned employees that it represents a corporate endorsement of religion. It seems that while the suits were positive they had stripped the celebration of all religious symbolism, someone managed to smuggle in a plate of "Christmas cookies" this morning and leave them in the break room. Several of us progressive, secular employees felt that the tree-shaped cookies created a hostile work environment and inflicted an "atmosphere of exclusion" upon those who do not celebrate Christmas. In a panic, the bosses desperately tried to save their hides by tossing the cookies out, but it was too late, the damage had already been done and people had been opressed. I called the ACLU, who had a team of lawyers on the site in about 20 minutes - pro bono. A couple of heartbeats after their arrival, it was announced over the PA that the Winter Party had been cancelled.

So you see, every once in a while the little guy triumphs over the corporate goliath. I haven't been this proud of myself since I won a campaign to provide a company prayer room for our muslim employees.

B.J. Honeycutt, Man of the People
I still say the perfect running mate for Howard Dean would be Captain B.J. Honeycutt from MASH. He's a strident and outspoken critic of Bush's unholy War for Oil and, like many Hollywood celebrities, has a deep insight into world affairs.

Let's look at his background: He's the Vice President of the Screen Actors Guild, so he already has a grasp on the job. He'd be perfect to help resolve the North Korean situation, having starred on a television show taped in a part of California that resembles Korea. He played an army surgeon, so I am sure he has valuable input concerning our health care system. He also starred as Enron CEO Kenneth Lay in the CBS miniseries "The Crooked E", so he knows first hand about the evils of corporate greed. We must also take into consideration that a man who can handle both Frank Burns AND Colonel Flagg can sure as heck handle the War on Terror.

Best of all, he speaks in short, simple sentences the average American can understand...

"Abroad, brutes replace brutes. At home, fear congeals, rights die. Jingo redefines patriot. Speech becomes dangerous: 'Watch what you say.' The cliché that a chance to vote on it means Americans would repeal the Bill of Rights is tested; fearful, we fail."

Let's face it: B.J. Honeycutt has what it takes to lead the nation to a new era of peace, prosperity, and hilarious hijinx.

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