Happy New Fears!
Everybody have a Happy New Fears and go about your business as usual. Never mind that little red laser dot on your chest - that's just Tom "Jackboot" Ridge flying overhead in his helicopter gunship, makin' sure you're safe from crazy, gun-totin' militants. So feel free to go out, get drunk, hop behind the wheel of your fancy SUV, and plow into a telephone pole at 85 miles an hour knowing that your Big Brother at Homeland Security is watching over you.
Me, I'll be spending the holiday as I do every year - naked in my basement, furiously scraping the insides of my thighs with a cheesegrater to protest 5000 years of imperialist, white male hegemony.
Dubya Bans Life-Nourishing Ephedra
Bush stabbed America in the back again today by banning the life-nourishing dietary supplement, Ephedra. For years, Ephedra has been the only recourse for people who cannot lose weight through conventional methods. Without the help of Ephedra, many will be forced to reduce their calorie intake, or even worse, exercise.
Now, it's all becoming as clear as Roma Downey's urine, isn't it? First, Bush causes the Mad Cow scare, destroying our beef industry, and giving followers of the Atkins Diet no recourse but to pop Ephedra to lose weight. Then Bush bans Ephedra. All this in the wake of a recent study showing that more Americans are obese than ever. See how it all ties together? Why, I wouldn't be surprised if Richard Simmons meets with a bizarre "accident" in the near future.
The truth, plain and simple, is that Bush is fattening us up. But for what? A look at opensecrets.org reveals that the CEOs of Bally Total Fitness and Gold's Gym gave a combined total of $200 to Republican candidates in the last election cycle. Stranger still - GOP strongman and recently elected California gubinator Arnold Schwarzeneggar was appointed Grand Poobah of Fitness by Pappy Bush in 1989. Perhaps Bush is not the puppet of Big Oil after all, but of Big Fitness. The fatter we get, the richer the fitness clubs get, and the more money Bush has to create a master race of Holy Christian Uber-warriors.
BUSH CAUSED IRAN EARTHQUAKE
Since we were forced to take the unconstitutional "Christ-Mass" day off and barred entrance to our places of employment, some of my ol' human shield buddies and I protested by getting naked, assuming the lotus position, and jabbing forks into our thighs in front of the Washington State Capitol Building. When the snow began to fall around 3 pm, we were in the midst of a deep discussion as to how Bush caused the Mad Cow scare by not immediately banning all nationwide beef production when the disease swept through Great Britain. Suddenly, the conversation turned to the Iran earthquake, and how Bush tied into it.
"Indeed, all the intense bombing in Afghanistan and Iraq can quite possibly have an adverse effect on the teutonic plates," submitted my friend Travis, who studied Seismology at UC Berkeley. "But was that Bush's plan all along?"
"Indeed," I replied. "Bush has caused some horrible natural disaster thanks to his refusal to ratify Kyoto. But let's not forget the huge disaster relief package he just sent to Iran. This suggests that the earthquakes, if he did create them, were unintentional."
"Indeed," interjected Walter, Travis's life partner. "But perhaps Bush's plan is to fatten the Iranians up so they'll be easier to vanquish. The European invaders, many of which were Teutons, did the same thing to Native Americans."
"Indeed," I agreed, stabbing my thigh for effect. "Which explains Bush's sabotage of the martian probe."
About this time, three uniformed fascists infringed on our fourth amendment right to peacefully assemble, and demanded we cease and desist our patriotic display of dissent.
"Ya'll are gonna hafta putcher clothes on and git, or we're gonna run ya'll in," demanded the redneck in charge.
We'll, I was more than ready to tell that flatfoot a thing or two, but Travis's grandmother is 1/4" African American, and we didn't want him to get beat up or shot on account of his race. So we cut our protest short and headed for Starbuck's, where we drank quadruple eggnog lattes and toasted the opressed Martian peoples until they closed the place down.
UPDATE: Travis just emailed me with a correction. According to him, his grandmother is not a 1/4" African American, but 1/4 blood African American. I'll take his word for it, but he sure doesn't look black.