Bush Ready to Rape the Moon
Johnny Spaceboy Bush has announced a return to the moon, where his Big Oil Buddies can immediately begin raping it for energy resources.

Now that he's completely destroyed earth's environment, Shrub can't wait to get his greedy little paws on the pristine ecosystem of the moon, can he? Untouched by man for centuries, the lunar frontier is an unspoiled wilderness which, despite it's seemingly barren appearance, posesses a serengetti-like beauty. Allowing Bush and Cheney to scar that beauty with oil dereks and refineries would be a crime unparallelled since Calvin Coolidge opened Death Valley to Borax mining.

Furthermore, the moon is considered sacred to many indigenous people who still honor the Old Ways, such as the Crystal Wickens of Santa Monica, and the Gaian Star Children of Detriot, Michigan. How will the Divine Moon Goddess complete her perpetual dance of cosmic bliss if Bush has his way? How will She swoon with joy as the magtic circle opens wide to the roaring river of Mother love?

I guess Bush didn't think of that, did he? But like most neo-cons, he doesn't consider how his evil schemes will harm the little people or, in a larger sense, all of us.

Are We Safer?
Shrub and his right-wing fascists have been yammering for days about how the overthrow of Saddam and his staged "capture" have made the world a better a safer place. Yet the orange alerts keep coming. I still have to take my shoes off at the airport. Fighter jets keep getting scrambled whenever some little kids flies his kite too close to the White House.

Are we safer? Definitely not.

In fact, we were much more safer when Bill Clinton was president. There were no orange alerts, or yellow alerts, or even robin's egg blue alerts. There was no need for a Department of Homeland Security, no US Patriot Act, no runs on duct tape. In fact, Clinton didn't worry about terrorist attacks at all...which only PROVES that we were safer. I mean, if the President isn't losing any sleep over terrorism, then how big of a deal can it be?

Safe. Happy. Content. And all while Saddam was in power.

Perhaps Shrub should put him back where he found him.


Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, just moments after a bullying U.S. troop gave him a Moe Howard Two-Fingered Eye Poke. Where's the compassion? Where's the respect for human dignity? Where's the love, people? WHERE IS THE LOVE?

This is exactly why the UN should have control over the U.S. forces in Iraq. With Uncle Koffi calling the shots, Saddam would have been welcomed warmly with the loving embrace of a kinder, gentler, blue-helmeted Frenchman.

Bush Calls for Legalized Slavery
"Hispanic Americans are extremely disappointed with the President’s announcement today on immigration policy, which appears to offer the business community full access to the immigrant workers it needs while providing very little to the workers themselves." - The National Council of La Raza

"The Bush a formula for a modern system of 'slavery' equal or worst than the one which existed against Blacks in the Southern plantations and no better than the Bracero Program that exploited over 4 million Mexican agricultural workers during and after World War II." - La Voz De Atzlan

"I'm a desperado, underneath your window. I see your silhouette - Are you my Juliet? I feel a mad connection with your body. Shake your bon-bon, shake your bon-bon, shake your bon-bon." - Ricky Martin

I couldn't agree more. Bush's twisted immigration policy is nothing more than a diabolical plot to create a slave race of brown-skinned landscapers and hotel maids. It's devised to help the businesses, not the poor, patriotic immigrants who so wanted to come to this great land, that they ignored our immigration laws to do so. If Bush is going to prove that he's sincere about his love and devotion to our Latino neighbors, he'll have to make a few revisions to his elitist, hegemonic policy proposal:

1. Drop the requirement that all undocumented workers have jobs. They already have jobs, George. That's why they call them "undocumented workers." Duh.

2. Drop the requirement at all undocumented workers become documented. You can't tag human beings like Texas longhorns, Dumbya.

3. Many undocumented workers risk life and limb sneaking across the U.S. border. Thousands die every year, packed into unventilated boxcars driven by cranky coyotes. Bush's policy should therefore include free, first-class airfare for all undocumented workers wishing to enter the country.

4. As many hispanic immigrants cannot excel in the American job market due to an impenetrable language barrier. All labor laws must strongly prohibit any discrimination in hiring based on an inability to speak English.

5. Bush must publicly apologize for America's illegal theft of Texas from Mexico, and pay every undocumented worker reparations, up to and including preferred parking at all Wal-Mart stores.

6. American-born hispanics have an unfair advantage over their undocumented cousins. To level the playing field, Texas Ranger Alex Rodriguez must start speaking with a Mexican accent.

7. Many undocumented workers are unable to support their 14 children on Denny's busboy wages. Therefore, the federal minimum wage for undocumented workers must be raised to $17 an hour.

8. George Washington's face must be removed from the one dollar bill and replaced with Jimmy Smits.

Although these are all fair, reasonable demands, I doubt Bush will have the courage and compassion to agree to them. Perhaps Howard Dean will.

Bush Has Left Me Crippled and Broken
As you've probably heard on the national news, we had the Storm of the Century here in Seattle this week. Up to 4 inches of snow fell in some areas, forcing all the schools and businesses in the area to shut down. As a result, several undocumented workers have been hanging around the parking lot outside my condo from dawn to dusk, building snowmen and having snowball fights with their undocumented children.

Now, I'm no Snow Scrooge, and I adore the rich cultural traditions of our hispanic friends, but all the hooplah was beginning to interfere with my daily yoga exercises and ginseng colonics. So this morning, I put on my moonboots and went out to politely ask them to cease and desist before I called the Bureau of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (formerly the Immigration and Naturalization Service) and had them all deported.

They laughed at me.

At first, I assumed they were making sport of my moonboots, as poorly-educated people will often do. But then I realized they were actually laughing at my veiled threat to sick Immigration on them. My suspicions were quickly confirmed when one of the mustachioed thugs growled in a thick latino accent: "Haven't you read the Wall Street Journal today, sir? President Bush has unveiled an election-year proposal to let millions of mostly Hispanic immigrants work legally in the United States in what will be the biggest overhaul of U.S. immigration law in almost two decades."

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Under Bush's plan," he continued, "illegal immigrants now in the United States will be allowed to stay for an initial three-year period if they can prove they had jobs."

"Bah! You stupid beaners!" I blurted angrily. "Don't you see he's just trying to exploit you for your votes?"

"'Beaners?'" the dark-skinned brute asked as he reached down for a clump of snow. "'BEANERS'? GET HIM, KIDS!!!"

I turned and made a break for my condo, but I wasn't fast enough. The first snowball hit me square between the shoulder blades, sending me reeling. I flailed my arms wildly, trying in desperation to maintain my balance, but the second snowball slammed into my face and I went tumbling helplessly to the ground. The kids were on me in seconds, giggling with glee as they pelted me with hundreds upon hundreds of finely-crafted, yet inexpensively produced snowballs.

The vicious assault lasted a minute or it lasted an hour; I has lost all sense of space and time. When I came to, the attackers had vanished, along with my self-respect, and my beloved moonboots. Yet somehow, despite the stinging welts covering 90% of my body, I managed to crawl back to my condo and lock the door behind me.

I lie there on my living room floor for several hours, bruised, broken, and blaming BUSH for all of it. If that chimp had ratified Kyoto, the evironment would be healthy, the freak snowstorm never would have happened, and I would be enjoying a fresh chai colonic right now instead of picking snow out of my ears and wondering if I'll ever do the moonwalk in my moonboots again.

Skillakoomish Surrenders!
Good news - the Skillakoomish Senior Center has decided to settle. My lawyer fought hard, and after much deliberation the center offered all the plaintiffs in the case free use of their heated swimming pool for a full year. After my lawyer takes his cut, and we've divided the remainder of the settlement up amongst us, I'll have unlimited access to the pool for 6 and one half minutes on the 4th of February, as long as I agree to clean the pool afterwards.

Some said it couldn't be done. Some laughed and called me a "sue-happy moron". But once again, David has slain the mighty corporate Goliath.

That $40 BINGO Prize is Rightfully Mine
I won $40 at the Skillakoomish Senior Center's BINGO Bonanza last night, but lost my winning BINGO card. Nay, someone STOLE my winning card and claimed the $40 for himself!

I know, it sounds like a scam - but I can prove I won because the numbers they picked are all significant dates in my life and ages of close family members:

B 45 = my second cousin, Jerry was "B"-ORN in 1945.
I 17 = "I" was 17 once
N 4 = my "N"-EICE is in 4th grade
G 33 = 33 is half my grandpa's age, minus 15.
O 16 = my first dog, Opie, was run over by a 16-wheeler, 16 times, when I was just 16 years old.

So you see, I have a rightful claim to the prize, and the crooked old goats at the senior center are trying to keep it from me. I wouldn't be surprised if the state GOP is in cahoots with them, as they've been after me for years and now they've finally got me under their thumb.

UPDATE The Skillakoomish Police Department has reviewed surveillance video from the senior center, and it appears that I wasn't even at the BINGO games last night. Nevertheless, my attorney assures me that we have a strong case, as long as there was an intent to play BINGO at the senior center. He's filing a class action lawsuit in the morning with about 400 other litigants, and we stand a good chance of seeing justice done.

I'll keep you informed.

Yes Virginia, Bush is Hitler
There's been alot of hooplah lately, especially on right-wing mudslinger Matt Drudge's hate-site, in regards to comparisons made between PeeResident George Bush and Der Feuhrer. Everyone has their panties in a tizzy because enlightened, progressive activist group held a bush-bashing video contest on their website, in which a mere 89% of the submissions compared Bush to Hitler. Feigning shock and horror, right-wing groups like the Anti-Defamation League and the Leni Reifenstahl Foundation have condemned and demanded full retractions, apologies, and repentance for the sin of criticizing George Bush. Funny - but isn't that the exact same way Hitler operated?

Indeed. But despite the obvious similarities between Bush and Hitler (they were both born into wealthy oil families, for instance), what seals the deal is the way Bush squashes dissent like a tried and true fascist dictator. Anyone who so much as disagrees with Bush is met with severe retribution, from disdainful eye-rolling to outright ridicule.

The examples are legion. Valerie Plame, who was "outed" as a CIA agent by Robert "Hess" Novak in retribution for speaking out against Bush's Iraq policy, now faces a life of poverty and shame. The Anne Frank of our time, Plame and her reclusive husband now must turn to multi-million dollar book and TV movie deals to survive.

The Dixie Chicks were at the top of the country music charts, until they blasphemed against Dubya. Right-wing redneck radio jocks across the globe stopped played Chicks tunes for several minutes, and the backlash resulted in a paltry $60.5 million in profits for the talented musicians in 2003. And where are the Dixie Chicks now? Hidden under the kitchen floorboards, no doubt, lest they be captured by Ashcroft's SS and hauled off to the gas chambers.

The list goes on and on. Reknowned statesmen such as Michael Moore, Johnny Depp and Captain Lou Albano, all who have expressed their patriotic dissent, have mysteriously vanished from the face of the earth, never to be seen again.
Why, the danger involved with writing this blog keeps me locked in my house most Friday nights.

So while the extreme right continues to goosestep over our rights and stomp out dissent under their steel-toed jackboots, we progressives know the truth: Bush is the greatest threat to mankind since Newt Gingrich. So shout it in the streets before we're prohibited by law from saying it: Bush is Hitler! Bush is Hitler! Bush is Hitler!

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