Support Our Troops!*
When of the greatest lies the right has ever told is that they are the only ones who support the troops. They gather in their jingoist little "Support the Troops", waving their little flags and acting like they're so superior to the rest of us.

So to counter the right-wing monopoly on troop-supporting, some progressive friends and I have formed our own patriotic organization - one that doesn't exploit the troops for political idealogy. Today was our first meeting. I've posted a small portion of the minutes here.

Larry Chomstein: I move this meeting come to order. Does anyone second my motion?

Khim Lam: George Bush stole erection!

Larry: Khim, you need to second my motion, or save your remarks until you have the floor.

Travis Tyler: I second your motion!

Larry: Motion seconded. Can I get a third?

Travis: We need a third?

Larry: This is a democracy. We can't do anything until everyone agrees.

Travis: But there are 20 people here. Can't we just raise hands if we're in favor of starting the meeting?

Larry: Travis moves to forfeit the motion process in favor of showing hands. Does anyone second his motion?

Ashley Phelps: Just start the fucking meeting!

(group breaks up into angry shouting)

Larry: Order please. Quiet! Everyone be quiet! Okay, first order of business: what to call this new organization of ours.

Khim: George Bush stole erection!

Larry: Khim, please. Does anybody have a suggestion for a group name? Chair recognizes Ashley Phelps.

Ashley: "Peaceblossom", you fucking moron!

Larry: Sorry. Chair recognizes Peaceblossom Phelps.

Peaceblossom: How about "We Support the Troops, Not the Fucking War."

Larry: It's too vague. Why not the war? And what war? Chair recognizes Bob Keiser. Bob?

Bob Keiser: How about "We Support the Troops, with the Following Disclaimer: George Bush's hegemonic, imperialist, unilateral agression against a soveri - "

Larry: Too long. We need something short and simple, something that won't make us look like a bunch of kooky idealogues. Think "Not in Our Name", or "MoveOn". Chair recognizes James Wallace.

James Wallace: Fuhhhhh....Fuhhhhhhhh....F-F-F-Fuhhhhhhhh......

Larry: Chair recognizes Lance Mason.

Lance Mason: Of course you recognize me, silly! We've known each other since Berkeley!

Larry: Lance, do you have a suggestion?

Lance: Yes. "We Support Our Troops, But..."

Larry: But what?

Lance: But whatever.

Larry: Okaaaaaay.... People will think we're supporting some troop's butt.

Lance: I wouldn't mind supporting some troop's butt, especially if it's a tight, cu-

Larry: Come on people! Quit screwing around! We have a chance to change world history, here. Think of something appropriate! Chair recognizes Travis Tyler.

Travis: How about "We Support Our Troops....asterisk"?

Larry: You mean put a little asterisk at the end of our name?

Travis: No, I mean we actually say "asterisk". "We Support our troops...asterisk"

Larry: That sounds totally gay.

Lance: Excuse me?

Travis: Who died and made you Der Fuhrer, Chomstein?

Peaceblossom: Yeah, you fucking nazi! I thought this was a fucking democracy!

Larry: Ashley, please refrain from...

Peaceblossom: PEACEBLOSSOM!!!

Bob: I knew it! He's a fascist! Stop opressing us, you fascist!

Peaceblossom: I oughta to rip your fucking balls off, you fucking -

Khim: George Bush stole erection!

(indiscernible shouting & cross chatter)

The meeting lasted for another 4 hours, and then we finally agreed on "Support Our Troops*" for a name. Tomorrow, we will hold our first "Support Our Troops*" rally out at Fort Lewis, so I'm probably going to be up all night sewing swastikas onto U.S. flags.

No WMD in Iraq? My Brain Hurt!
When I first read David Kay's stunning statement that Iraq doesn't have, nor ever had weapons of mass destruction, I dropped my bong, leapt from my beanbag chair, and shouted "Vive La France!". It proved conclusively that Bush lied about WMD just to steal Iraq's oil!

Then I slowly realized that there was something more sinister at work here.

If Bush lied about Saddam having WMD, then Clinton must have lied when he bombed Iraq back in 1993, 1996, and 1998. We all know that Clinton would never ever ever lie about anything (except for sex, and that was a vast, right-wing conspiracy). Therefore, David Kay must be lying when he says Iraq has no WMD. But if Kay is lying, that means Bush told the truth, which is impossible.

The whole thing really started to make my head hurt. I was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and forget about it, when I suddenly had an idea. Bush lied about WMD, that's now proven to be true. David Kay's statement validates that truth. Therefore, whatever Clinton did or said is therefore irrelevent, and anyone who tries to point out a contradiction in logic is an ignorant dittohead. I have a masters degree in Greco-Roman sexual positions and Interpretive Clog Dancing from UC Berkeley, pal! I think I know a little more about logic than you! You simply misunderstood Clinton when he said Iraq was a nuclear threat. Narrow-minded cons see everything in black in white, when there are really gray areas....graaaaaaay areas, YOU FASCIST NEOCON! BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED, HO HO HO CHI MINH!

There. Everything makes perfect sense now. My head feels much better.

Abortion is Patriotism!
A wonderful revelation came to me on this anniversary of Roe v. Wade: Abortion is Patriotism!

Consider this: Freedom of Speech is a Constitutional right. As we've learned from the Dixie Chicks, it's patriotic to exercise your right to free speech.

Therefore, since Abortion is a Constitutional right, it must also be patriotic to exercise that right! Show your support for the red, white & blue and get your abortions TODAY, ladies! God bless America!

Oh boy, this is really going to drive the right-wing jingos CRAZY!!! No wonder that great American patriot, Gen. Wesley Clark, is so gung-ho for abortions right up until the hamster pokes it's head out - it's as patriotic as the Fourth of July!

And it works every other right as well. Freedom of the Press. Freedom of Expression. The Right to Privacy. The only rights it doesn't apply to are Freedom of Religion and the Right to Bear Arms, but those aren't real rights anyway.

Houston, We Have a Problem
Looks like Bushie's racist Mars mission has hit the skids. Nasa has lost control of the Spirit Rover, thus making Bush look like a complete fool for all his "Mars exploration" rhetoric. I guess it's only a matter of time before Bob Novak outs the lander as a CIA agent.

That's another gajillion dollars down the drain, thanks to Shrub. Space exploration is so 1960's, anyway. Instead of dragging us back to the stone ages, Bush should be using that money to help people here at home. Imagine how many condoms we could pass out at American high schools with the money Bush wasted on mars.

No vision, that Dumbya.

Howard Dean's Mighty Squawk of Freedom
Alot of political hay has been made of late over Howard Dean's triumphant post-Caucus roar last Monday. Despite what some right-wing political hacks will tell you, it was NOT a "jurassic screech", nor was it a "subhuman shriek" or a "primal howl". In reality, Dean employed a classic oratory device known as the "Mighty Squawk". Great speakers throughout have history have relied on the Mighty Squawk to capture the attention of their audience. Abraham Lincoln, for instance, would punctuate every line of his famous Gettysburg Address by pumping his fist and bellowing a loud, Mighty Squawk of Freedom:

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, YEAAAARRRKK!!! Conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. YEAAAAARRRKKK!! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!"

Mark Twain, one of the most famous orators of his time, would close every speaking event with a loud series of squawks, and then stage-dive into the audience. Even as far back as ancient Greece, the Mighty Squawk was an important part of public speaking. The Apology of Socrates was peppered with squawks, grunts, and barely-audible whirring sounds, until Plato cleaned up the speech for publication.

So despite what the right-wing media elites will have you believe, Dean's roar was not a sign of an impending mental collapse. Rather, it was an empassioned, emotional outburst from a noble man who sees a once great nation spiralling into a cesspool of despair and hatred, and cries out to the heavens in a Greaty Mighty Squawk of Freedom, like an Amerian Eagle soaring high on gossamer wing above clouds of fascist opression.

BlameBush Blog Spreading Like a Mutant Fungus
Pack your bags, Weezy, 'cause Dana over at Note-It-Posts has posted a glowing review of this blog. For the life of me, I can't understand why a right-wing extremist would recommend a progressive, liberal blog such as mine...unless it's a desperate attempt to make her blog look more moderate.

But I won't look a gift horse in the mouth!

As I'm not completely ignorant of blog etiquette like some folks say I am, I've also decided to add her link to my new Blogroll. Besides, I don't want John Ashcroft and his jackbooted, cat-hating stormtroopers to drag me out of my home in the dead of night for violating some obscure provision of the US PATRIOT Act.

Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, though!

Bush's State-of-Insanity Speech
"The State of the Union may look rosy from the White House balcony or the suites of George Bush's wealthiest donors. But hard-working Americans will see through this president's effort to wrap his radical agenda with a compassionate ribbon!" - Howard Dean

"I think there's just two different worlds here, the world the president talks about and the world Americans are living in. While CEO pay is up and Wall Street profits are up, the average American only earned three cents on the dollar more. Workers are hurting all across America. Viva La France!" - Sen. John F. Kerry, Vietnam Veteran

"When the president says, 'The state of our union is strong,' you need to ask which union Mr. President?" - John Boy Edwards

"We've got a new axis of evil ... of fiscal policies that threaten our future, foreign policies that threaten our security and domestic policies that put families dead last." - Gen. Wesley Clark.

* * *

It's been 24 hours since Bush's State of Insanity address, and most of the democrat pundits and I are on the same page: It was just too damn positive.

It reminded me of some of Churchill's crazy speeches. German bombs were raining down on London, and he gets on the radio to tell the British people that it's their "finest hour".

"These are not dark days! These are great days! The greatest days our nation has ever lived!" Pollyanna Churchill bloviated.

Was the man nuts? Perhaps. He was obviously out of touch with the British people, or else he'd level with them and speak frankly instead of constantly painting rosy, unrealistic pictures and conjuring up false hopes. He should have been a real leader and constantly reminded them of how miserable they were, and then used their suffering to his advantage. Thanks to his dishonesty, Great Britain was ill-prepared for a German invasion, and had to pull the U.S. into the war in order to save themselves.

Bush is every bit as dishonest with his sunshine-and-lollipops rhetoric about a "rebounding economy" and "success in Iraq". The economy may be fine for you, Mr. Bush, but what about the starving, emaciated, laid-off Boeing engineers, wandering the streets with bloated bellies, begging passers-by for scraps? What about all the unemployed American families who have been forced to eat their children to survive? What about the poor, over-worked soccer moms who have to work 30 hours a day, drive their overworked children to soccer practice, and then go back to work for another 12 hours? Where are all these people in your State-of-the Union speech, Mr. Bush?

And what about the thousands of troops who die every day for your evil, unsanctioned-by-the-French war, Mr. Bush? The threat was not imminent. Couldn't you have waited another ten years so the French could bless the invasion and thus justify the deaths of our brave men and women? No, you had to go off half-cocked and carefully plot an invasion for over two years just to get the hombre that tried to kill yer Pa. Now we're bogged down in a quagmire, and all the work Clinton did to create a peaceful Middle East has gone straight to heck.

And let's not forget the fact that the drinking water is now saturated with the arsenic you put it in it, the forests have all been paved over, and the air is so unbreathable that Michael Jackson's innocent children are now forced to wear masks over their tiny little faces. Mad Cow disease has devastated our beef industry, tariffs have devasted our steel industry, and right-wing extremists have devastated our abortion industry. Where's THAT in your State-of-the Union speech, Mr. Bush?

I won't even go into how the Patriot Act has negated the whole Bill of Rights, even the parts that the Dead Slave-Owning Dudes actually wrote down. Where's THAT in your State-of-the Union speech, Mr. Bush?

So go ahead and make your pretty speeches, Dubya. Despite your fascist attempts to silence them, the democrats will make their voices heard, until every troop is brought home (except from the nations Clinton sent them to), every poor person hates every rich person (except for rich democrats), and every American realizes how incredibly miserable they are, thanks to you and your tax cuts.

Bush Loses Big in Iowa
With Bush's staggering loss in Iowa last night, there comes a deafening silence. 24 hours after his historic ass-whooping, not one of Bush's mouthpieces has bothered to explain how Dubya couldn't nab a single vote in the Iowa caucus.

Now we plunge headlong into the New Hampshire caucus, and polls are already showing Kerry in the lead, with Bush not even on the boards. In fact, a recent poll shows that 9 out of 10 people voting in the caucus last night would vote for a democrat over Bush in November.

The Republican party crumbles all around us, folks.

In a plot smacking of desperation, Bush tried to save his neck and steal some of the spotlight away from John Kerry by suddenly giving a State-of-the-Union speech tonight. All whole year goes by without a single State-of-the-Union address, and suddenly, out of the clear blue, he decides that tonight's the night to toot his horn? Sorry folks, I'm not buying it. The timing reeks of politics.

Finally, on a sad note, Dick Gephardt has dropped out of the race. It's a shame, too, because I was certain he was going all the way. But who knows? Perhaps he'll endorse Kerry and get the veep spot. Then it can be a Gephardt/Clinton ticket in 2012!

Well, well well! I guess all the doom and gloom about "the end of the democrat party" was a load of swamp gas, huh? Despite all this hooey about the dems not having a chance against Bush, the top 5 winners of the Iowa caucus were ALL DEMOCRATS!

Those who have been claiming that the democrats were self-destructing, that the party was imploding, will now have to spin like mad to explain their false prophecies. I can't wait to hear Limbaugh's blubbering this morning. How's he going to explain the fact that his boy Dubya didn't get one single vote?

The tide is turning folks. The Party is rising from the ashes like the legendary Phoenix, ready to spread her wings and soar to the heavens! Yaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!

Bush Hates Blacks
Today is Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday. Or last week was...I'm not sure. To be honest, I've always thought that his ideas were a little naive, and he was way too benevolent towards the white devil. I've noticed that the right-wing nutcases have exploited that weakness by taking one little line from his "I Have a Dream" speech and waving it around as if it were a Get-Out-Of-Affirmative-Action-Free Card. You know what part I'm talking about: It's the "content of their character" line. Whites don't seem to understand that it was not King's words that were important, but his vision. You have to be able to read between the lines, folks. It's a black thang, and all you sons of slavemasters wouldn't understand.

So, in order to clear things up for the S-factor, here's a little part from that speech you'll never hear Rush Limbaugh mention:

"So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice."

If that isn't a call for reparations, I don't know what is. But there's more...

"There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream."

In other words, we will not be satisfied until Jesse Jackson says we are satisfied, not one minute before. That's right, the right honorable Reverend Jesse Jackson, who held the dying Dr. King in his arms, who took the noble man's blood-stained shirt (place your bid now on ebay) and bore it on his horsewhip-scarred back down the streets of Selma, across the might Mississippi, over plains of Megiddo, and north into the sacred land of our forefathers, where he lay it upon the capitol steps, fell to his knees, and cried unto the Lord God Almighty, "Stay Out Da Bushes! Stay Out Da Bushes!"

Can I get an AY-MEN?

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