Scott Ritter, Man of the People
Recent revelations from former weapons inspector David Kay have finally vindicated Scott Ritter for his valiant declaration that Saddam had no WMD's, never had them, never planned to have them, and was simply a shy, quiet man who valued his privacy. I'm reminded of the time I last spoke with Scott - it was 2001, shortly after he announced on Hardball that Iraq was a "threat to no one". I was a field reporter for an alternative Seattle windshield leaflet at the time, and he had graciously agreed to meet me at a local fern bar for an interview.

Right away, I noticed two things about Scott Ritter: He shouts all the time, even in normal conversation, and he's a decent, kind, and noble human being showing unbelievable courage in the face of right-wing persecution.
We didn't have alot of time to talk - he was meeting a date at Chuck E. Cheese later that evening - but we had a couple of quick drinks and talked about recent events. During the course of the conversation, I had the youthful temerity of reading him a quote from his 1998 testimony before the U.S. Senate:

"Iraq today is not disarmed, and remains an ugly threat to its neighbors and to world peace."

Scott slammed his drink down on the table and glared at me. "SO?" he shouted.

"So, don't you see a contradiction between what you said then, and what you say now?"


That was good enough for me then, and it's good enough for me now. Scott Ritter is a true Man of the People, no matter how much the right-wing warhawks try to twist his words and spin their little lies in order to justify their unholy crusade against the peaceful Iraqi people.

Fascists at the Gates!
Last night, I was relaxing at home, reading Chomsky's new book, Scandalous Hegemony. I was just about to get to the sex scene when there came a gentle rapping at my condo door.

Irritated, I put the book down and swung open the front door. Before me stood a small child, no more than nine years old, decked out in a little blue uniform and a gold neckerchief.

"Well, well, well!" I spat at him. "If it isn't the Hitler Youth!"

I must've thrown the little monster off guard, because it took him a moment to collect himself and begin his obviously pre-composed speech.

"hellosirmynameisJosephMacKenziefromCubScoutPack203andwe're collectingdonationsfor..."

"WHAT? You're going to have to slow DOWN and speak UP there, Heinrich!"

He started his pitch over again, louder and clearer this time. "Hello sir, my name is Joseph -"


"ummm...Joseph MacKenzie from Cub Scout Pack 203 and I'm - "


"..collecting donations for -"


"ummm..collecting donations for the Renton Senior Center, sir, and ummm.."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! What did you just call me?"


"Ah, so that's how it is, is it? Do they teach you to employ gender stereotypes in the Hitler Youth? Is that how you learn to be a chauvinist pig? They start you out small, then work you up to wife beating?"


Ha! I had the little fascist on the defensive. I went for the kill.

"Is there a merit badge for "gender opression"? I bet there is! You get it right after you pass Cross Burning and Lynching Uppity Nigras, dontcha? DONTCHA? So tell me, what do you think about a woman's right to choose? Bomb any abortion clinics lately? I bet your mommy wishes she had an abortion. Look at you! You ought to be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!!! SHAME!!! SHAAAAAAAAME!!!!"

He stood there for a moment, his lower lip quivering, his eyes welling up with tears. I knelt down and looked him square in the eyes.

"George Bush hides under your bed at night, waiting for you to go to sleep, so he can take away allllllllll your little toys and give them to his evil rich buddies."

That was all it took for little Jackboot Joey to start bawling like a baby and run squealing back to Hayden Lake, Idaho.

Fascists bullies. They're all a bunch of tough guys until you stand up to them, and then they crumble like Mussolini's stale biscotti.

Kerry takes New Hampshire!
I think we've got a winner this time! Kerry can beat Bush on his military record alone, since we democrats are proud of military service now - as long as the person who did the service is ashamed of America. While Bush was proudly pretending to be in the Air National Guard, Kerry was fighting valiantly in Vietnam, and was totally ashamed of it up until he got the "voters dig war heros" memo. Now we've finally got a candidate who fought bravely for the United States in Vietnam, and then had the courage to come home and fight bravely for the opressed Viet Cong.

We've got the best of both worlds, folks!

Winning Terrorist Hearts
One of my progressive-liberal mentors, Iddybud, presented me with a challenge:

"What are your ideas about us winning over the Muslim world other than 1. bombing them into oblivion or 2.smothering them with "our way of life" at the point of a gun (when they do not wish to live in a Judeo-Christian society)?"

As much as I admire her wisdom, she's attacking a straw man. I do not want to bomb "The muslim world" into oblivion, nor do I want to force anyone to adapt my way of life at the point of gun, except for the Boy Scouts, Christians, smokers, pro-lifers, carnivores, homophobes, Uncle Toms, dittoheads, and SUV-owners. Shrub and his neocon warhawk buddies think the answer to terrorism is to kill the terrorists, but how can we make someone love us if they're DEAD? In order to win the hearts and minds of those who seek to bathe in our blood, we must learn to compromise. Compromise means bending a little bit, sacrificing something for the greater peace. And despite coming to the rescue of Muslims in Iraq, Bosnia, Kuwait, Somalia, and most recently in Iran, we just haven't really gone out of our way to prove our love.

Let's examine what the terrorists want from us, according to their own words:

Demand #1. Convert to Islam, or die.
Demand #2. Let us kill all the Joos.

Sure, these may seem like pretty reasonable demands on the surface. After all, they've been part of the official French anti-terrorism policy for years. However, America is secretly ran by Zionist Cabalists, and Christian Armageddonists who think Jesus will make a comeback in Israel. There's no way we're going to convince a nation populated by dogma-spewing, fundamentalist wackos to convert to Islam.

But what if we met them half way? What if say, 50% of Americans either convert to Islam or commit suicide, and we throw in 50% of the Joos for good measure? It would show the Religion of Peace that we're willing to take that extra little baby step towards friendship. Unfortunately, I doubt the mullahs will settle for that. We may have to go as high as 70 or 80 percent on both of the demands, just to prove our sincerity.

One may ask: How do we get a predominantly Judeo-Christian nation to give up their religious beliefs? The same way we get them to give up smoking; we make it so expensive and inconvenient that they simply quit. We start by designating all public places as "Judeo-Christian prayer-free zones", including churches. If anyone wants to talk to either Jesus or Yahweh, they'll have to do it outside in the snow with the smokers. Then we place an exhorbitant tax on praying, but offer an exemption if it's done on a rug, facing towards Mecca. These measures may seem extreme, but Christians in Iraq got used to it, and now live in total peace and harmony with their Muslim masters.

So whaddya say, America? Are you ready to step up to the plate and hit a home run for world peace? Or do you want to continue to alienate the Muslim world with your twisted, Judeo-Christian values and your snotty famine relief? Do you want a war without end, wrapped in duct tape and sprinkled with orange alerts, or do you want a utopian shangrila, where giant mushrooms sing lullabies, and candy unicorns leap happily over gumdrop rainbows?

The decision is yours.

An Open Letter to Gen. Wesley Clark
Dear General Clark,

Let me begin by saying how much I admire your service to the country. It takes a special sort of man to dump the GOP for the very same people who spat on you when you came home from Vietnam. I guess you've realized now that what they loogied, they loogied out of love.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that you took FOUR bullets while college-boy Kerry was waterskiing along the Mekong, you're still lagging behing him in the polls. I attribute this to your recent remarks in support of legalized abortion right up until the baby pokes it's head out and says "Dah-Dah". Now I know that Bill Clinton probably told you to deny everything, and then accuse everyone of misunderstanding you, but I strongly feel you should do the exact opposite! Not only should you be admitting your radically pro-abortion position, but you should be proud of it! Here's why:

Abortion is Patriotism. If exercising your Constitutional rights is patriotic, and abortion is a constitutional right, then having abortions must be a form of patriotism. All the other candidates like to appeal to moderate voters by claiming that abortion should be cheap, legal, and rare. But Iron Guts Clark has never been one for half measures. General Clark isn't just pro-choice, he's anti-baby! He believes in a woman's right to choose, and by God, he hopes they choose abortion! Run with that, General! This should be your main selling point at every campaign rally. I'd suggest bringing out a few human props - attractive women who got knocked up at a young age, had an abortion, graduated from an Ivy league college, and landed successful careers, while their pro-life peers are now working at Wal-Mart to support their eight kids.

And if one abortion imrpoved her life, think of how better off she would be if she had two! Or three! Or twelve! Imagine the progress this country could achieve if all women, nationwide, would have as many abortions as possible. The right tries to make abortion a social taboo, but patriotism demands that we encourage abortions, General! So how about tax incentives for women who exercise their right to have an abortion? Some of the radical feminist voters don't like your military background, but propose a bounty on fetuses, and you'll have them in the palm of your hands.

Of course, your anti-baby platform would cause a backlash from right-wing neocon Christians who are as inflexible with the meaning of the Bible as they are with the Bill of Rights. Studies also show that while most women feel that abortion rights are the most important issue in this election, most men feel it's the War on Terrorism. So, in addition to "Abortion is Patriotism", I propose the following campaign platform:

Babies are Terrorists. Think of all the lives that have been destroyed, all the dreams that have been crushed by unwanted pregnancies. Terrorists have only killed 3,000 Americans, but millions of women suffer the "living death" of unwanted pregnancy every year. While Bushy is off chasing people with towels on their heads, he should be here stopping terrorists with towels on their butts.

This still might be a hard sell with the right wingers - we've tried everything in the book to get them on the abortion bandwagon, but they're totally allergic to progress. However, I think we might have a winner with a "Babies are Terrorists" approach. It's real. It's tangible. Most americans never see a terrorist in their entire life, but there are babies everywhere and they're up to no good. Luckily, we have a decorated General to protect us!

In conclusion, I must admit that I am not a big supporter of you and your wars, General - I feel you should have tried to win Miloslovic's heart and mind rather than bomb the crap out of him. But I'd rather have you in the White House than that fascist Bush, who hasn't done one single thing in four years to win the hearts and minds of the terrorists. So please take my advice, free of charge, and use it to your best advantage.

Your humble servant,
Larry Chomstein, Esq.

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