BlameBush
2/12/2004
 
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
I've been receiving alot of flack lately concerning my choice of a blog host. For the life of me, I don't understand why. BlogSpot has it's faults, but I've never been one to let a shoddy product and crappy service chase me away, as long as it's free. Nonetheless, I've been looking at this TypePad service and am considering moving this dog & pony show over there. They have more features and image hosting, and haven't been swallowed up by an all-powerful internet behemoth yet. Best of all, they embrace the principles of Fair Trade and don't exploit any third world labor.

I confess that all this blogsphere technobabble frightens and confuses me. Dana over at the Note-it Posts tried to explain to me what an "RSS Feed" is using only sock puppets and flash cards, and I still don't have a clue. I think it has something to do with lasers, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I'd be grateful for any advice from my thousands of devoted readers, even the right-wing fascists. Is Typepad worth the money, or should I stick around on BlogSpot?

 
When Puritans Attack!
The sexually repressed, right-wing propagandist, Matt Drudge, is reporting that John Kerry may have had an affair with an intern.

So here we go again. The Puritans are on another witch hunt!

First it was Gary Hart's Monkey Business. Then the Republicans spent 8 years and billions of taxpayer dollars poking into Bill Clinton's sex life, followed by Adolf Ashcroft removing *gasp* nude statues from the Department of Justice, the public lynching of Gary Condit, and most recently Michael Powell's holy crusade against Janet Jackson's satanic teat. Now they're out to assassinate the character of Sen. John Kerry - a War Hero thrice wounded in Vietnam - for the unforgivable crime of sharing love with another human being.

So what if it's true? What if he cheated on his wife? Big deal! Everyone does it. Republicans are just jealous because they aren't gettin' any. They prefer to peep into keyholes and get their jollies off other people's good time.

If this whole story proves anything, it's that democrats have so much love to give, they choose to spread it around their staff rather than concentrate it on one person.

If only George Bush were so thoughtful and caring.

2/11/2004
 
George Bush; Gender Fascist
Having alienated his conservative base with his immigration policy and rampant spending, Bush is trying to win back their blackened, rotting hearts by trampling on the rights of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered Americans. As Massachussets moves to allow gay marriages, Bush and his Religious Right masters are threatening to enact a constitutional amendment banning them, this forcing all sexually enlightened people to a life of misery and pain.

First of all, Dubya must have slept through his American history class at Yale, because judges decide the law of the land, not Congress. If the Founding Fathers wanted us to amend the Constitution, they wouldn't have given us the Supreme Court. That's exactly why we must prevent the Shrub from placing any more of Dick Cheney's hunting buddies on the bench.

Furthermore, he needs to scrap his 1950's, John Wayne notions of gender and join the 21st century. Just because he's only attracted to humanoid female mammals, it doesn't mean everyone is so narrow minded. Bush can go right on deluding himself into thinking that Men are Men and Women are Women, but in the real world some men are women, and some women are men. Sometimes men are really women who yearn to be men, while women can often appear to be men who dress like women - yet they're actually women who don't like men, and rather prefer women. Most men prefer women, and most women prefer men, but often women prefer men who prefer men, while men like women who prefer women. Many women consider themselves women, but prefer to be treated like men - and men can sometimes prefer women who treat them like women, but that doesn't necessarily mean the women are men...they could simply be women who like to pee standing up.

My point is, gender absolutism went out with the chastity belt, Daddy-0. The differences between male and female are no longer so black and white. There are gray areas - graaaaaaay areas! Bush should drop the macho cowboy attitude along with his blatant reinforcement of gender stereotypes, especially towards his daughters. If I hear him talk about his "girls" one more time, I'm gonna plotz. They're still young kids, pops! They have their whole lives to decide if they are "girls", "boys", or something in between. You don't need to keep stapling that "female" label to their foreheads. Let them live their own lives!

Perhaps when Bush has stopped gender-opressing his own offspring, he'll be more tolerant of Americans who transcend the very boundaries of gender itself.

 
Clark Drops Out
It looks like Gen. Wesley Clark has dropped out of the race. It's a shame, too, because I was sure he'd go all the way.

It'll be interesting to watch the remaining candidates fight over the coveted Madonna endorsement, now that it's up for grabs again. Bush has pretty much screwed the pooch with his homophobic support of a gay marriage ban, but any one of the democrat hopefuls can easily win Madonna's backing.

Being a well-bred, cosmopolitan woman with a posh British accent, Madonna may feel more attracted to the stately, sophisticated John Kerry. In fact, Kerry may already believe he has her endorsement in the bag. Such overconfidence could allow his opponents to sprint past the proverbial snoozing hare by campaigning vigorously at gay discos across the county. I've noticed that Dean has already taken the initiative. Kucinich has also been seen giving his stump speech in a feather boa and a chrome brasierre.

Whatever happens, Madonna's endorsement is not to be taken lightly. She has an enormous following and is much loved around the world - sort of like a Kaballist Mother Teresa.

2/10/2004
 
Bush Dodged Draft to Embarass John Kerry
It's now widely accepted that George Bush joined the Texas Air National Guard in 1968 to avoid being drafted into the regular army. The general consensus is that Bush's father, a tyrannical congressman who ruled Texas with an iron fist, used his vast political power to get Dubya a cushy assignment driving golf carts at a military country club. But one may ask: if Daddy was going to pull strings to get Junior into the Air National Guard, why didn't he pull strings to get him a cushy desk job overseas, so he could at least say he was a war veteran?

For the answer, one must understand the political climate at that time. It was 1968, one year after the Summer of Love, and one year before Woodstock. Thousands of brave young men (such as Bill Clinton) were nobly fleeing the country to avoid fighting in a barbaric war against the peace-loving peoples of North Vietnam. Those who remained joined together to hock great big wads of righteous loogie upon the returning troops. Surely then, joining the regular army would have hindered Bush's political career, not aided it.

So, fresh out of Yale and chosen by the Skull & Bones Society to be the future leader of the free world, Bush was placed into the Air National Guard to shield him from the draft AND make him appear to be a heroic draft dodger. He even skipped out on a year of service just to make it more authentic.

Meanwhile, John Kerry, who joined the navy under the naive assumption that he'd be welcomed home as a war hero and immediately elected to Congress, suddenly realized he'd been played for a sucker. A military background may have been a plus when Jack Kennedy ran for president, but not in an era when national guardsmen were gunning down college kids for sport. With all his bravery medals and purple hearts, Kerry would be lucky to get elected as dogcatcher.

Thinking on his feet, he invoked an obscure maritime law that allowed thrice wounded soldiers to return home. Once back in the states, he quickly began to repair the damage his military service had done to his political career. He marched in anti-war protests, waved the American Flag upside down, called his fellow servicemen rapists and murderers, and threw those politically incorrect medals away in disgust. Naturally, the democrat party took this brash young cheerleader for the Viet Cong into their arms, and groomed him to one day occupy the White House.

However, the bloody stain of his military service remained, and if it weren't for the Rambo movies turning Vietnam vets into "heroes", John Kerry would be completely unelectable and Dennis Kucinich would have the party nomination in the bag.

So despite all the hulabaloo concerning Bush's spotty military records, no one is asking the one important question: How much did George Bush pay Sylvester Stallone to ruin Dennis Kucinich?

2/09/2004
 
DUMBYA DROPS THE BALL
When I first heard that Bush would not order an investigation into intelligence failures surrounding Iraqi WMD's, I sprang out of my floatation tank and shouted "Hari Krishna!" This would be a windfall for the democratic candidate, who could accuse Bush of jeoparding national security with his blatant obstructionism, and then kick back as their poll numbers go through the roof. "Lookie lookie! Our children are dying in Iraq, terrorists are at the gates, the whole world hates us, and Bush doesn't care! The American People deserve answers, Bush, and they deserve the TRUTH!"

Now I hear that Bush has done a complete reversal and is suddenly calling for a "non-partisan" investigation into the intelligence failures - with results due in 2005. That bastard! How dare he play politics with national security! If he cared at all about the American People, he'd confess to everything right now, apologize to Saddam, and graciously endorse Dennis Kucinich as the next president of the United States. Instead, he's engaged in sleazy, election-year manuevering to deny the democrats the political juice they so rightly deserve!

But all is not lost, folks. There's a rumor circulating around the blogosphere that Shrub may have joined the Texas Air National Guard to avoid the draft - and then went AWOL. I'll explore this further in another post, but I think this just may be that sharp, pointy symbol of impending doom hanging over Dumbya's head...just like that Greek dude's sword.


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