BlameBush
2/20/2004
 
George Bush Broke the Fan Belt on My Mother's '95 Jeep Cherokee
At 10 o'clock this morning, received a desperate call from my dear mother.

"Damn that Bush!" she cried. "Damn him to HELL!"

"Take it easy, Ma. What's the problem?"

"My car broke down!" she told me. "I have an appointment at the unemployment office to extend my benefits another two years, and I have no way to get there! DAMN THAT BUSH! He sent my job overseas, and now he's trying to take my unemployment insurance away! What am I going to do?"

Ma has been out of work since Boeing laid her off in 2002, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich. The union hasn't called her back, and no one is hiring 65 year old Airplane Restroom Toilet Paper Dispenser Installers anymore. So she's had to subsist on her pension, social security, her 401k, alimony checks, welfare, and unemployment insurance benefits for the past two years.

"Don't worry, Ma. Tell me where you are and I'll come help."

"At the White Horse Tavern in Marysville. That's as far as I made it before the damn thing quit!"

"Mom, that's totally the opposite direction of the unemployment office."

"Oh that Bush has got me so riled up, I've lost all sense of direction!" Ma cried.

"No biggie, Ma, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, dear. I'll go inside and have a beer while I wait."

I arrived at the White Horse a couple hours later. Sure enough, Ma was inside nursing a beer at the bar when I walked in.

"Oh Larry, thank God you're here!" she greeted me. "I don't know what I'm going to do...I'm out of work, my unemployment benefits have expired, and now my car won't run! I'm going to wind up eating dog food right out of the can, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich!"

"Would you like some more pull tabs, Mrs. Chomstein?" the bartended interrupted.

"Yeah, gimme fifty bucks on number 10," my Mom told him. "Lotta good it'll do me...I haven't won shit since Bush put on a flight suit and announced 'mission accomplished' from the deck of an aircraft carrier."

"Well, Ma, I'll go out and have a look at the car. Maybe I can fix it."

"Bless your heart, dear," she said, handing me her keys. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

When I popped the hood open on the Jeep, I could immediately tell what the problem was - the fan belt was broken. But upon closer inspection, I could also see that it had been cleanly and intentionally cut. I took the broken belt back inside the tavern and showed it to Ma.

"Damn that Bush!" she screeched with anger, her face turning a deep red. "That BASTARD cut my fan belt! Oooh he really knows how to PISS ME OFF! I haven't been this mad since Nixon stole my panties at Woodstock! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!"

"Calm down, Ma!" I told her. She was lapsing into one of her Sam Kinison screaming fits, and was already drawing a small crowd of slack-jawed gawkers out of the tavern. "Just calm down, it's an easy fix. I'll just drive up to the auto parts store and get a new fan belt."

"Oh thank you so much, sweetheart," Ma replied, relaxing a little. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

An hour later, I had the new belt installed and the Jeep was ready to go - just as Ma came stumbling out of the bar, blood gushing from her mouth.

"Holy crap, what happened to you?"

"Oh I fell down in the baffroom and broke my toof on the edge of the terlet," Ma explained.

"DAMN THAT BUSH!" we both shouted in unison.

2/19/2004
 
Can Gay Marriage Save Haiti?
Fifty years ago, many Americans condemned interracial marriage on the grounds that it was "dirty", "immoral", and "wrong". Today, narrow-minded people fear gay marriage for the very same reasons. Some warn us that a government endorsement of gay marriage will send us down a "slippery slope" towards the legalization of polygamy, or incest. Such doomsday predictions are silly, as we can all agree that polygamy and incest are dirty, immoral, and wrong. Homosexuality, however, is a beautiful expression of love between two consenting adults; exactly what Haiti needs to quell the violence that threatens to overcome it. Maybe if Jean-Luc Aristide of Haiti took a note from Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco, his country wouldn't be falling apart around him. Perhaps if he'd spent his reign performing gay weddings instead of hanging burning tires around the necks of dissenters, we wouldn't need to send our troops over to protect him.

Furthermore, with AIDS being the leading cause of death amongst Haitian adults, it's high time for Haitian the government to get behind the healthy environment that a monogamous gay marriage provides. Normalization of same-sex relationships isn't only a cultural issue, but a health issue. An excellent example is the fair city of San Francisco, which has had a strong, normalized homosexual community for years and enjoys an almost non-existent AIDS mortality rate. If George Bush and his masters in the 700 Club would stop preaching abstinence to school kids, we could probably eliminate AIDS altogether.

2/18/2004
 
Howard Dean Pulls the Plug
"Wax wings that flew too close to the sun
But wasn't it so fun to fly?
It's far better to love then to lose
Than never to love then to die
Oh you were so...so close to heaven
We were almost, almost, almost as good as it gets
And you were almost an angel
Which was almost heaven-sent"


- Jewel

Today, after an Icarus-like ascent to political Nirvana, and subsequent Daedalian crash into the nasty, sharp rocks of defeat, the Good Doctor has put an official end to his historic run for the White House. It's a shame, too, because I was sure he would go all the way.

Yet despite Dean's tragic fall, his campaign served an important purpose by awakening Americans to their own misery. As the immortal Henry Fonda wrote in On Walden Pond: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." And so many American go through their whole lives without knowing just how completely bleak and hopeless life is without the nurturing love of an all-knowing state to guide them. I, for one, thought I was doing just fine. I'm not wallowing in cash, but I have a roof over my head, a nice job, a nice car - no thanks to George Bush. It was only after I compared my life to that of Bill Gates or Kenny-Boy Lay that I realized how incredibly miserable I am, and how George Bush is to blame for it.

Sure, I've always been aware of the widening gap between the Haves and the Have-Nots, but brave men like Howard Dean and Dennis Kucinich opened my eyes to my own suffering in a way no right-wing republican ever could. Every day is a desperate struggle just to survive, while the republicans drink expensive champagne and smoke big cigars in their gated communities and racially exclusive country clubs. Life may be rosy to them, but the economy is in the crapper, no one has any health care, and working families must eat their young to survive. Meanwhile, rich CEOs are getting their exhorbitant retirement packages paid for with Bush's repressive tax cuts.

Howard Dean's campaign may be over, but his message must not be forgotten: Life is barely worth living, but there's no problem so big that a well-funded social program can't fix it.

And it's just that positive Message of Hope that will propel democrats into the White House ...and beyond!.

Thank you Dr. Dean, and God-speed.

2/16/2004
 
John Kerry Blasts Bush's NASCAR Photo-Op


Just hours after I called Bush's Daytona 500 appearance a big "photo-up", John Kerry has come to the same conclusion.

"This is not a time for photo opportunities," Kerry spoke from atop an American flag-draped fire engine in downtown Ballsak, Wisconsin. "It is a time to create real opportunities in America! We don't need a president who just says 'gentlemen, start your engines.' We need a president who says 'America, let's start the economy and put people back to work!"

AMEN! Grandma's frozen to the kitchen floor and people are starving in the streets - where's Bush? Down in Florida, courting the "NASCAR Redneck" vote. Not Kerry, though - he's eating Tuna melts at Ma's Diner in lower Elk Snout, where he can put his finger on the pulse of the American People. Sure, he'll show up on the hockey rink every now and then, but that's merely to illustrate that while he plays HOCKEY in Michigan - Bush plays HOOKEY on the economy, jobs, and working families!


2/15/2004
 
Bush Stages Photo-Op at Daytona 500
Shrub appeared at the Daytona 500 today, but he's not fooling me. It's just another big photo-op.

It sure takes a lot of nerve to show his face there after he murdered Dale Earnhardt. I'm surprised those rednecks didn't tear him to shreds.

And get a load of this shot:



I bet he'll try to pass this off as proof that he showed up for his National Guard service!

 
AWOL Bush Crashed My Computer
A fellow member of my great uncle Harvey's Elks Lodge has a brother-in-law who served at Dannelly Air National Guard Base in Montgomery, Alabama right around the time Dubya was supposed to be there. I drove up to the small town of Stanwood to meet the guy Friday night.

A plain-spoken man in his late fifties, he's been anxious to tell his story but has been met with indifference and often disdain from the right-wing controlled media outlets. We met at a local Denny's and he talked about his Vietnam years; his thick, slow Alabama accent making the minutes seem like hours. The jist of his story is that as a base cook at Dannelly for 15 years, he can confirm that Bush never once showed up for meals. Of course, he must've seen thousands of troops during his service - It's hard to believe he could recall one singular guardsman from 30 years ago.

He looked at me as if I had just crawled out from a sack of wet squirrels. "Shoot - I think I'd remember if the galldern President of the United States were in my mess hall! Do I look like a galldern idget?"

So we have even more damning evidence that Dumbya went AWOL during Vietnam. And despite the "release" of his military records yesterday, Bush has yet to prove his innocence.

I was just about to report this stunning news yesterday when I suffered a severe computer meltdown. What a coincidence, huh? I looked all over town for a new computer, but they don't make Commodore 64's anymore. Another coincidence! I finally had to splurge for a TRS-180 I found at Goodwill. Let me tell you, this thing is a freakin' FERRARI, BABY! That's the best ten bucks I've ever spent!


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