BlameBush
2/27/2004
 
Rosie O'Donnell, Man of the People
Congratz to the lesbian Gandhi, Rosie O'Donnell, who married her longtime Significant Other Domestic Life Partner, Karen Carpenter, in the face of overwhelming opposition from that fascist hatemonger Bush!

"We were both inspired to come here after the sitting president made the vile and hateful comments he made. Sometimes civil disobedience is necessary to insure freedom for all. Isn't that right, babycakes?" Rosie snarled at the press while holding her blushing bride in a loving head-lock.

"Merp!" Carpenter agreed. Carpenter, a former dancer and marketing executive for Nickelodeon, has produced 9 of Rosie's 17 children, impregnating herself with a turkey-baster filled with sperm purchased on eBay. "We just want to be treated like normal people, is that so much to ask?"

Although the two had been cohabitating for six years, it was George Bush's sudden support for a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage that forced the couple to tie the knot.

"We should conduct this difficult debate in a manner worthy of our country, without bitterness or anger," Bush spoke to reporters at the White House last Monday. "In all that lies ahead, let us match strong convictions with kindness and goodwill and decency."

For the folks at home, that's secret code for "Let's exterminate the queers". Good ol' Rosie saw right through it.

"I think the actions of the President are, in my opinion, the most vile and hateful words ever spoken by a sitting president," O'Donnell hissed in response to Bush's speech. "I could just rip his head off and shit down his neck!!"

The newlyweds celebrated their nuptials along with thousands of San Franciscans by castrating Bush in effigy, followed with a dildo sword-fight on the steps of City Hall.

This open-minded, tolerant blogger wishes the O'Donnell family all the happiness in the world, and may God protect them from the right-wing Christians who only want to spoil everyone's good time.

2/26/2004
 
Movie Review; The Passion of Christ
Last night, I went and saw a late showing of Mel Gibson's The Passion of Christ, just as I had planned. I arrived a little late and Jesus was already dominating the screen, hogging all the action, and generally upstaging all the other actors. Talk about a Christ complex! I chuckled evilly and took a seat in the very back, where I could play my kazoo under the cover of darkness.

I began with a rousing rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar, followed by a couple of John Phillips Sousa ditties, and was polishing off the set with Spirit in the Sky just as Christ was battling the giant elephants.

Giant elephants? I thought. Gibson sure took some liberties with the original story. Granted, it's been a while since I've opened a Bible, but I sure don't recall there being any giant elephants in the Good Book - nor singing midgets or flaming eyeballs, for that matter. No biggie, I just kept right on playing my Unholy Kazoo, watching with glee as several potential Bush voters got up and stormed out of the theater in disgust.

Right about the time the Pharisees started tossing jewelry into the volcano (see Leviticus 20:21), I was rudely accosted by a right-wing fascist theatre pig with a bad complexion. He angrily pointed a glowing red dildo at me and demanded I "cease and desist" my kazoo playing "or else".

"Or else what?" I laughed.

"Or else, I'll have to ask you to leave!" he shot back.

I tooted my kazoo at him in defiance. "The revolution will not be televised!"

The fascist stomped off in a huff, probably to burn some heretics or something, and I didn't get any more hassle from The Man for the rest of the movie. And my readers will be happy to know that I managed to clear the entire theater of anyone who might possibly be brainwashed by the films's religious dogma and become bible-thumping Republicans. Satisfied with my success, I stayed and enjoyed the end of the movie, but was surprised that Gibson had cut the crucifixion scene. Instead, Jesus married some carp-faced chick and then put all the apostles on a banana boat to B.F.E. What a let down!

2/25/2004
 
The Passion of Bush
Mel Gibson's new right-wing propaganda piece is finally out, and crowds of people are already pouring from the theatres to beat up the first Jew they can get their hands on. I'm not too old to remember the waves of anti-semitic violence that broke out after the premier of Jesus Christ Superstar just 30 years ago. Many of my Jewish friend still bear the scars from when gangs of chrome hardhat, pink tank-top clad dancers assaulted them on the streets, singing "Do you think you're what they say you are?" as they pummelled them into the dirt. So for Gibson to claim that this movie of his won't stir up anti-semitic hatred is downright naive.

However, what really concerns me is that Gibson's film, with it's subtle religious overtones, may be a cleverly disguised campaign ad for Geedumbya. What better way to suck voters into the American Taliban than by brainwashing them with a biblical epic? People may be so moved by this film that they become christian wackos with crazy ideas about morals, ideals, values, or worse. Bush's insane rhetoric about "good and evil", "right and wrong", and "traditional family values" may actually start making sense to them, and Liberalism will suddenly lose it's appeal. In effect, all the good work Hollywood has done for the past 30 years to mock and ridicule Christianity will go right down the drain. The next thing you know, we'll be burning heretics at the stake again. I, for one, cannot let that happen.

That's why I will be playing a kazoo through the whole movie tonight. I'll probably get the stuffing beat out of me by peaceloving, turn-the-other-cheek Christians, but if my kazoo can convince just one person to abandon Christianity forever, it will be worth it.

 
Kerry: "Bush Drew First Blood."
Bush went on the attack last Monday night, calling John Kerry everything from a "waffler" to a "big doodyface". The GOP has once again dragged the political discourse into the mud. Up until now, the democrats have been very careful to criticize Bush's policies without attacking him personally, but now the gloves will come off.

Here's Bush's tirade:

"The other party's nomination battle is still playing out. The candidates are an interesting group with diverse opinions," Bush said. "They're for tax cuts and against them. They're for NAFTA and against NAFTA. They're for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act. They're in favor of liberating Iraq, and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts."

I couldn't believe my ears. How DARE he question John Kerry's patriotism? John Kerry, a decorated Vietnam Veteran with a chest full of medals, was defending this country on the battlefield back when Junior was using his Daddy's political pull to dodge the draft. HOW dare Bush attack this brave war hero? I'm so angry and disgusted a can barely type! What's he going to do for an encore? Rough up Senator Cleland?

I just worry about how Senator Kerry is handling these attacks. The last time he got this much hassle from The Man, he fled into the forest and killed 14 national guardsmen with his bare hands before Colonel Trautman could talk him down.

2/24/2004
 
Bush Hates Gays
Bush stopped just short of ordering all homosexuals off to the gas chambers this morning by throwing his support behind a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.

"The union of a man and woman is the most enduring human institution, honoring -- honored and encouraged in all cultures and by every religious faith," Bush proselytized at the White House this morning. "Ages of experience have taught humanity that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society."

I stood there are watched the TV in shock and disgust as the vile words of hatred and bigotry poured from his mouth.

"WHAT ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS?" I shouted shouted at the TV set. "WHY NOT GO AFTER BRITNEY, YOU STUTTERING MORON?"

"We should also conduct this difficult debate in a manner worthy of our country, without bitterness or anger," Bush went on, ignoring my question. "In all that lies ahead, let us match strong convictions with kindness and goodwill and decency."

That's easy for him to say, after he just condemned millions of gays to lives of pain and suffering. I just visited Andrew Sullivan's blog, and the poor man can barely type through his tears: "Those of us who supported this president in 2000, who have backed him whole-heartedly during the war, who have endured scorn from our peers as a result, who trusted that this president was indeed a uniter rather than a divider, now know the truth."

Indeed. And the truth is, plain and simple: Bush hates gays.

2/22/2004
 
Ralph Nader, Man of the People
It looks like Ralph Nader is going to toss his hat into the ring. Good for him! Some naysayers are already calling it a lost cause, but I'm not so sure. Ralph seems to be drawing support from both the progressive left AND the hardcore right. In fact, I know several republicans who want him to run, and have already pledged money to his campaign. Ralph just may be the man to challenge George Bush and unite this sharply divided nation behind a common political banner.

With a call for a 100% income tax on the evil rich, Ralph Nader is the thinking man's Howard Dean. But not only is he a proud socialist, he's also strong on national defense. We all remember how he bravely took on the automobile industry to get seatbelts and airbags put in all our cars. Imagine if he applied that same resolve and fierce determination to the war on terror! Osama would never leave his cave, for fear of having his skinny Yemeni ass sued right back to the stone ages. Al Qaeda would be buried under so much litigation, that they wouldn't have time to carry out any more terrorist attacks! What a wonderful world it would be.

Most importantly, Ralph has the powerful endorsements of both Michael Moore and Phil Donahue. If Dennis Kucinich drops out (god forbid), I just may be inclined to throw my support behind Nader for President.


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